


Woah, Woah, Woah, Tony is Drunk and We're Gonna What Now?

by septembergem



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Drunk Cuddles, Drunk Tony, Drunkenness, Hangover, Lot's of it, Morning After, Multi, Sassy Natasha, Stony - Freeform, drunk avengers!, mama Steve, mama natasha, naked thor, ok, small cats, stupid serum, there's alcohol, well not drunk steve, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 09:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4516470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septembergem/pseuds/septembergem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Listen, Tony Stark may be a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, but he's a complete idiot. </p><p>In which Tony convinces everyone for a night at the local bar, and shit (per usual) goes down. </p><p>And at some point they find a small cat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Woah, Woah, Woah, Tony is Drunk and We're Gonna What Now?

Tony Stark is a pretty balanced person. Well, let me specify - he's a balanced person when it comes to his ideas. Half of the time, they're pretty okay. Assembling a team of superheroes and letting them all live in your previous mansion/tower/headquarters - vaguely good idea. Designing amazing tech; weapons, defense, armor for his assorted 'friends' - yeah, one of the better ideas he's had. Taking the highly distinguished and extremely dangerous mix of assassins, super soldiers, gods, and billionaires out to get drunk at the local bar - this would fall under the category of bad ideas. 

To begin with, two of the eight on the outing probably couldn't even get drunk - not without a lot more alcohol than the bar would allow them, or that Tony was willing to pay for in the morning when they angrily banged on his door. A third had no opportunity of getting drunk from some dumb serum that to be honest, Tony wasn't really sure was worth it if he couldn't get freaky on a Friday night. And the leftovers, aside from him, were probably going to be very angry drunks and might actually kill someone. 

Pepper would later file the damage bill under the tab -  _Tony's an Idiot, Pay by April 21_

Of course, Tony's thought process had already been dulled by three beers and a willing Thor, who was desperately trying to rally the rest of them to agree to come as well. "A Midgardian adventure of the likes I've never encountered - it is something I am most excited to experience!" he kept saying. 

Natasha, sitting on a barstool at the counter a little removed from the general living area, shrugged, pulling her lips into a glint of a smirk. "Let's do it." Upon hearing her agreement, Tony lit up and grinned at her. She winked. 

Sam made a face, sighing, looking down. It all said  _I'm so going to regret this,_ but he, too, committed. One by one it was agreement to the terrible plan, all led by the calm nature of Natasha's little smirk. She, of course, new how well she held her own against alcohol, and only expected the best video footage of the night before her. 

This was the last whole conversation anyone besides Steve and Natasha would remember - Thor was a bit questionable as to how drunk he really was, and he never even woke up the next day, so no one got to ask. And Bruce wasn't even there from the start, so he was very confused (perhaps the most confused out of all of them) when he walked into the lounge the next morning to find Thor splayed on his back on the rug, basically completely naked with a small cat standing on his chest, Clint and Sam hanging upside down from an armchairs with bunny slippers and shirts on backwards, Bucky with his one metal arm completely covered in magnets and a dick drawn on his face, and Tony curled up in Steve's arms (Steve completely awake, casually sketching the scene before him. When Bruce walked in, he smiled and gave a little wave. "Morning!" he said, before wrapping his arm back around Tony and continuing to sketch.) Tony, mind you, had his tie around his head, his button down suspiciously ripped, and one leg of his pants cut messily to the knee. He snored lightly. Bruce quickly turned around and left, grabbing a coffee and whispering, "Dear God, what have I seen."

We should back up to the night beforehand. 

\---

The car dropped them at the door of the cheapest and closest bar to Avengers' Tower. It was a line of the most to least eager to get drinking that jammed through the door - Tony, Thor, Clint, Sam, Natasha, Bucky, Steve. To be honest, Bucky didn't know what his drinking situation was exactly. Was he the same as Steve, who couldn't get drunk? They'd find out soon enough. 

_-foreshadowing; yes, Bucky can get very drunk, very quickly. He's quite the happy drunk, actually, and made friends with an old woman walking to her apartment as they made their way to call a cab. Her name was Linda. Bucky hugged her and gave her his number. They have brunch on Sundays.-_

They took up a long portion of the bar, and ordered a variety of drinks. Natasha instantly orders what's listed on the menu as a Baby Aspirin of Humbolt - spiced rum, grenadine, lime and orange juice. Tony gets an Absolute Mandarin Madras, which is one of the most ironic things he's done (he prides himself on being ironic,) and they follow from there, a previous rule of having to order outrageous drinks sticking. Even Steve orders a Rye Whiskey Bitter, which he only sips. And everything is great - until the time ticks on, and the bar goes into night mode. 

Tony, already with his afternoon beers in the system, started his bar night strong. There were plenty of women, some with lower cut tops than others. There were a few guys, some with earrings and hair dyed bright colors, others with a clean-cut, I-don't-drink-but-you're-drunk-and-hot sort of look. He had started out wearing a suit at the tower - his jacket was forgotten in the car, and his tie hung loosely around his neck. At some point, it ended up around his head after a person somewhere in the dusky air of the loud bar had pulled it from him. Steve watched, sipped his drink. 

Clint was the next to start becoming... well. He had made quick friends with Sam, at least, with the buzz of a good drink. Or two. Perhaps three. They disappeared for around half on hour and came back wearing bunny slippers and even now, Steve doesn't know where they had gone or how the hell they managed to get matching grey bunny slippers. Clint lost his hearing aids, too, as they would find out in the morning. Whenever someone spoke, he would respond with, "What?" They originally thought it was a headache, pounding in the ears. They were wrong. The bartender called two days later remembering a guy balancing them on tiny umbrellas that went in cocktails. He said they could come pick them up, though they got dropped in tequila, so they may not work anymore. Steve watched, sipped his drink. 

Thor was having a blast - almost immediately, without any kind of alcohol buzz, he was shirtless and shoeless. Nobody really knew if being a god, he just didn't get drunk at all, or maybe not as quickly, but soon he started taking shots. 

"These tiny glasses - so cute! So horribly tasting... another!"

He did not throw the glass, thank god. Well, thank a different god. Because he's a god, but you can't thank him... never mind. 

Natasha sat back and counted. That's how she spent a majority of time - counting. One beer. Two. Three. And a mojito. Shot. Shot. Shot. Eight shots, Thor tilted back. A lime wedge was in there somewhere. He had a girl on either hip. A margarita - Bucky kept asking questions about the rums. 

Yes, Bucky did find a drink that rather suited him. Too much, probably. And at first, he was just surly and generally angry. He got in a skirmish with a big burly guy that wouldn't leave this girl alone. Then he cried. Then, he transformed into the happiest person in the whole damned place. And Steve really got a kick out of drunk Bucky. He hadn't seen him that alcoholically happy in a long time. And it wasn't off of... whatever the hell he was drinking now. 

Everyone had left the bar, aside from Steve and Natasha. They sat next to each other on barstools, occasionally sipping drinks. Natasha probably backed one cocktail and a beer or two, but she was only just the tiniest bit warm inside. She prided herself on her drinking capabilities. Steve was impressed.   

"Sometimes, you've got to act the part. Drink the part. But still understand everything that's going on around you. You've got to drown a few beers, perhaps a shot or two. And you've got to keep your wits about you." she smirked and took another drink. "It's a talent."

Steve had only had one drink, just because there were no side effects besides being unhealthy. He didn't even like drinking that much. Instead, he had his phone at the ready in case of opportunity. Tony had taught him the basics of his smartphone, and he prided himself on some good photography every now and then. A good snapshot transferred to a good drawing, and that's what matters. 

Vaguely he remembers Tony, at some point, complaining about being too hot and he wanted to wear shorts. So he ripped a pant leg at the knee, then started sobbing because, quote, "These were my favorite pants!" and nonsense. 

The music playing was loud and vibrated through the floor, beating in your chest unusually until you got used to it, and when the silence between songs came, it left you feeling a bit hollow. Natasha ordered another drink. Steve watched her out of the corner of his eyes, almost curious as to what kind of drunk she'd be. She gave him no hints. 

Another hour passed. Thor had a cat - nope, nobody knows where it came from. All they know is they have adorable footage of Thor balancing the little kitten on his head and singing what seemed to be lullabies in some different language. Natasha shrugged when confronted later. 

"Probably from his realm. I'm not from space, don't look at me like that."

Tony's shirt was ripped and he came stumbling back towards the bar, sitting next to Steve. He put a hand on his knee and grinned. 

"Isn't this fun, Capsicle?" he asked, and despite how utterly drunk he was, his speech was not slurred. Steve laughed. 

"Yep. Time of my life."

This made Tony incredibly happy to hear he was having fun, so he grinned some more and leaned farther into the man. His breath had the smell of a variety of alcohols. Steve held his breath. 

"I'm so glad you came." he said, his eyes glowing. "You're the best." and he put his head on Steve chest. 

All of this progressed with Steve only coming to the conclusion that as a completely wasted man, Tony was extremely cuddly. Cuddly drunks, Steve could deal with. Loud? Angry? Not his thing. But cuddly? All you had to do was give them a hug, and they'd be on cloud nine. So that's what Steve did, and Tony didn't leave his side for the rest of the night. 

It neared midnight now, and Thor proclaimed they take his tiny kitten and himself home in the "Tax - seas!" Clint didn't hear the proclamation, and Sam was asleep in the booth across from him, so Natasha grabbed each of them and hauled them out the door. Thor paraded away from his entourage, the kitten sitting on his shoulder batting at his hair. Tony stood reluctantly when Steve did, agreeing to the compromise that if he walked out and rode home in the taxi, yes, he could lie with Steve tonight. 

And Bucky - well, he had disappeared. And he only just came back in time to jump into the taxi and happily proclaim he had a brunch date on Sunday. Sam whistled. 

"Oh, who's the girl?"

"Her name's Linda - she's 78! And she has a cat named Matilda." then he looked about ready to cry. "She doesn't know where she went, though."

Sam hugged him and Bucky started sobbing. 

All the while, the kitten on Thor's shoulder purred. 

Steve made a mental note to return the cat tomorrow. 

\---

Avengers' Tower was dark - this changed quickly when Thor stomped into the lounge, turning on every light in his path yelling, "Let there be light!" with each flick of a switch. Sam and Clint - shirts off, now, both tried to sit in the same chair- they laughed, then argued on who deserved the chair more, then agreed that "If you put your shirt on, and I put mine on, then we can share."

They didn't know why sharing happened to mean sitting upside down, but it did to them. And their shirts were backwards. Well, as soon as their asses hit the cushion, they were snoring. Steve snapped a photo. Natasha snapped two. 

Buck sat down - also a mistake. Ass on chair, eyes were closed. Thor laughed at this and grabbed the permanent marker from the kitchen counter and instantly drew a dick on his left side. He proclaimed, "This is a common occurrence for those that school at the college to preform on their compatriots - a Midgardian custom I enjoy!" He drew another on Bucky's chest, must bigger than the first, but also better drawn (If one can even draw a dick better.)

Three pictures taken. 

Natasha, only feeling like a 1 on the scale of 10, 10 being as wasted as Tony (still hugging Steve, I might add.) grabbed the magnets that they had accumulated on their fridge. It was a hobby of their to get silly ones in airport gift shops and weird gas stations. She stuck them all to Bucky's arm, smiling a bit. Thor roared with laughter at such a small inconvenience for the man. The kitten mewed its agreement. Picture snapped. 

It was late - Steve yawned. And he kept true to his word. When he laid on the couch, Tony curled into a tight ball at his side, as content as the cat snoring on Thor's chest. Steve made sure his sketchbook was accessible, as well as his phone and anything else of importance because he knew he would not be moving tonight. 

And Natasha disappeared - to her room, no doubt. It wasn't like her to sleep out in the open with all these idiots; well, Steve wasn't a _drunken_ idiot, as least. She winked at him before slipping away. 

\---

Sunlight burnt through the ginormous windows of the tower, and it was only a matter of time before people started waking up. And Steve greeted each one. 

Sam groaned, blinked, yawned, groaned again at a throbbing headache, then realized the presence of another human, at which he flailed and fell backwards from his upside down position on the chair. Steve smiled, pointed behind him at the kitchen. 

"Coffee in there."

Clint, shaken by the movement, flipped himself right side up and pointed to his ears. Steve shrugged and pointed after Sam, miming a sip of a drink. Sign language was one he did not know as of yet. 

The next was Bucky. He moaned, rubbing his eyes, watching the magnets fall off his arm when he moved. 

"You guys are idiots." he said. 

"Wait till you look in the mirror. Coffee?"

Tony shifted, pulling at the fabric of Steve's shirt, stretching, then freezing. He looked slowly up at Steve, who did not make eye contact but rather finished his sketch of the previous lounge scene. 

"Morning."

Tony fell off the couch. 

"Coffee?"

He stumbled away, glancing back at the super soldier, tripping over his feet, rubbing his temples. 

And then Thor, with a mighty groan, stretched and removed the kitten from his chest. 

"Coffee?"

"It is the most lovely of beverages. Please, do not let me drink anything but coffee or mead for as long as I am among you Midgardians and your foul liquor."

Steve laughed. 

Needless to say, another night like this did not happen again. They all made an agreement, after Natasha came down rested and glowing, that such a night was forbidden. 

 

 

Well, forbidden until next week. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I just get bored, and have the need to write a drunk!avengers fic. Let me be.
> 
> Also I have no friends and therefore don't have a beta, so please excuse any spelling mistakes, large plotholes (hey, shit happens) and any kind of misused grammar. 
> 
> I LOVE YOU


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